Good morning folks. Today is Sunday, and if I am not careful this will become the Sunday report instead of the Friday report as it has been for a long time.
I will continue on with the 3 rating for the week, based purely on how my body feels. I feel no different today than I did a week ago. I have the same inconsistent non-productive cough and the same level of physically being tired. I did see Dr. Infectious (his staff) earlier in the week and was put on antibiotics and a follow-up appointment for this coming Tuesday. When I questioned them as to why my call wasn’t returned, I was advised that my call was indeed returned and that I was given specific instructions, I told the Head Nurse I felt like I was having smoke blown up my butt. To which I got the same old song and dance. I guess I am going to have to do some research and see if there is another infusion center I can use, that is convenient to me. But that would mean that I would most likely have to find a new Doc Infectious, and I really like Doc Infectious. Also on Tuesday, I will be going by Dr. Lung’s office for another INR check. I am borderline high, so another adjustment to my medication was made, ergo, the follow-up test.
If I were rating weeks based on my mental state this past week would have barely reached 2. Just so you know, my mental health has never really been part of my rating system. My head is just in a wrong place. I can’t pinpoint it, but maybe I can pinpoint it but I am not willing to. Or better yet, I am sure it has in part a lot to do with the fact I am just plain friggin sick of being sick. NO I am not ready to mail it in, and I know these feelings will pass. But this week for whatever reason has not been good to my head. Some of the things I know; I am tired of not being the man I once was, hell today I would settle for being half that man. I am tired of feeling inadequate. I am tired of my illness being the cause of and for disappointment others feel towards me. I am tired of sitting and watching TV and feeling a tear try to form because I saw something during the show that struck me. I am tired of have SOB while farting (that’s a joke), I am tired of looking in the medicine cabinet and seeing a ton of drugs looking back at me while I wonder if any of them are really working, I am tired of waking up each morning with hat head because of the cpap machine. I don’t care what anyone says, dying sucks. I am tired of COPD. I am tired of knowing there is no cure. Thank God I have my friends on the Daily Strength Discussion Group. At least with them I always feel at least adequate.
A very dear friend died a couple years ago, and he did so with what I perceived to be great dignity. He fought his battle with cancer and lost, but he fought the good fight. When my time comes I hope that someone will say that I fought the good fight and that I died with dignity.
In case you’re wondering, I see Doc Head this coming Thursday, LMAO if I don’t get my shit together before then we could have a very interesting 45 minutes. I once asked her how she deals with hearing the woes of the many, did she have her own Doc Head to go talk to, I sure hope she does.
Folks, that pretty much sums of my week. Physically I am doing okay with the potential of a bug running around in my lungs, but it is being treated. Oh! I did have a chest xray and was advised that there wasn’t any pneumonia. So here here for me!
Folks thank you, you readers of my blog help me in ways you don’t know, thank you for allowing me to dump on you. And thank you for the concern you feel and express. As always if you have any concerns, questions or comments, please feel free to share them with me. Take care, Bill