How I Feel Today 09/01/13

01 Sep

Good morning folks. Today is Sunday, and if I am not careful this will become the Sunday report instead of the Friday report as it has been for a long time.

I will continue on with the 3 rating for the week, based purely on how my body feels.  I feel no different today than I did a week ago.  I have the same inconsistent non-productive cough and the same level of physically being tired.  I did see Dr. Infectious (his staff) earlier in the week and was put on antibiotics and a follow-up appointment for this coming Tuesday.  When I questioned them as to why my call wasn’t returned, I was advised that my call was indeed returned and that I was given specific instructions, I told the Head Nurse I felt like I was having smoke blown up my butt. To which I got the same old song and dance.  I guess I am going to have to do some research and see if there is another infusion center I can use, that is convenient to me. But that would mean that I would most likely have to find a new Doc Infectious, and I really like Doc Infectious. Also on Tuesday, I will be going by Dr. Lung’s office for another INR check.  I am borderline high, so another adjustment to my medication was made, ergo, the follow-up test.

If I were rating weeks based on my mental state this past week would have barely reached 2.  Just so you know, my mental health has never really been part of my rating system.  My head is just in a wrong place.  I can’t pinpoint it, but maybe I can pinpoint it but I am not willing to.  Or better yet, I am sure it has in part a lot to do with the fact I am just plain friggin sick of being sick.  NO I am not ready to mail it in, and I know these feelings will pass.  But this week for whatever reason has not been good to my head.  Some of the things I know; I am tired of not being the man I once was, hell today I would settle for being half that man. I am tired of feeling inadequate. I am tired of my illness being the cause of and for disappointment others feel towards me. I am tired of sitting and watching TV and feeling a tear try to form because I saw something during the show that struck me. I am tired of have SOB while farting (that’s a joke), I am tired of looking in the medicine cabinet and seeing a ton of drugs looking back at me while I wonder if any of them are really working, I am tired of waking up each morning with hat head because of the cpap machine. I don’t care what anyone says, dying sucks.  I am tired of COPD. I am tired of knowing there is no cure. Thank God I have my friends on the Daily Strength Discussion Group.  At least with them I always feel at least adequate.

A very dear friend died a couple years ago, and he did so with what I perceived to be great dignity.  He fought his battle with cancer and lost, but he fought the good fight.  When my time comes I hope that someone will say that I fought the good fight and that I died with dignity.

In case you’re wondering, I see Doc Head this coming Thursday, LMAO if I don’t get my shit together before then we could have a very interesting 45 minutes. I once asked her how she deals with hearing the woes of the many, did she have her own Doc Head to go talk to, I sure hope she does.

Folks, that pretty much sums of my week.  Physically I am doing okay with the potential of a bug running around in my lungs, but it is being treated.  Oh! I did have a chest xray and was advised that there wasn’t any pneumonia.  So here here for me!

Folks thank you, you readers of my blog help me in ways you don’t know, thank you for allowing me to dump on you.  And thank you for the concern you feel and express.  As always if you have any concerns, questions or comments, please feel free to share them with me.  Take care, Bill


Posted by on September 1, 2013 in How I feel on a particular day, Ramblings


Tags: , , , , , ,

12 responses to “How I Feel Today 09/01/13

  1. The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap

    September 1, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I hear ya, my friend. Thankfully, it will pass and another LYAO will happen to wash away the sticky stuff that likes to grab on every once in a while.

    A joke I’m including as part of the dialog in my next book, which Terry’s edited (he’s a retired attorney… really a paper pusher from NASA, lol).

    What do you call a lawyer who’s lying?
    A senator.


    Only for you, Billy boy! Huggie Wuggie, Paw-wet (an actual nickname)

    • FlaHam

      September 1, 2013 at 6:28 pm

      Paulette, Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself, I feel I get so needy, and sometimes the weight of what’s going is almost to much, then I explode with words. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. Take care, Bill

  2. Chatter Master

    September 2, 2013 at 12:09 am

    You are already showing great dignity Bill, no reason to think that is going to change. I am impressed with your on going desire to document what you’re going through, and make sure to document such great stories for your grand daughter. I”m sorry your head isn’t in a good place right now Bill, but to be honest with you? It sure doesn’t seem unexpected for you to have a rough patch. And still you handle it with such class and decorum. I’ll include you in my prayers tonight Bill. Be well friend.

  3. jmgoyder

    September 2, 2013 at 1:54 am

    I know if I were you, I would be much more of a moaner, I think you handle this unbearable illness with incredible dignity and humor.

  4. gita4elamats

    September 2, 2013 at 11:04 am

    I’m sorry that it’s so tough for you, Bill; hope tomorrow is a better day.

  5. Marlyn Brook

    September 5, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    You don’t know me but I have been shadowing you since I found this group & quietly joined. Although not the same gender we are the same age. Your honesty, dry humor & journalistic writing style have drawn me in and made a place in which I think I will be safe. This is my first writing since our family Doc/Cousin said Marlyn I believe you have COPD! He immediately made an appointment with a Pulminolgist for Oct. 9th & the researcher that lives inside me, that appeared for everyone I’ve ever cared for, suddenly had to appear for ME! Oh crap!
    I won’t belabor how I feel right now but after reading this entry, I wanted you to know I understand, I’m grateful you expressed it so sincerely & so realistically ….but most important I wanted you to know you have been a God send to this total stranger….adequate doesn’t even come close to describe what your insights have meant to me. I’m feeling quite small right now & swimming in a sea of fear of future, fear of more pain, fear of holding back my family from grasping all they can from life because they don’t want to leave me behind…..yep…..SUCKS already & I’m not even in the thick of it YET. So Mr. Bill, from your silent stalker:) thank you. Your journey & your life are valid, important, much more than adequate & I would REALLY appreciate you sticking around to see me through this….I’m selfish like that:) LOL

    • FlaHam

      September 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      Marlyn, I can not thank enough for your response to my post. When I started this 14 months ago, it was with the intent to reach out to other sufferers, and if I hadn’t a single other response your’s would have been enough to keep me writing. Marlyn, you are no longer a stranger, perfect or not. Clearly you have found my blog, I truly hope that you find other posts that stir your emotions, and help in any small way. Thank you again for your lovely comment, I appreciate from a spot deep deep in my heart. Please take care, Bill PS — because I noticed your on AOL also, I have added you to my buddy list. I will say hello if I see you online.

  6. Marlyn Brook

    September 5, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Sorry but I forgot…I’m Squeeeter on the Daily Strength….that’s how I found & followed you:) GEEZE I’m such a newbie at this….I’ll be quiet again now:)

  7. DeeDee Granata

    September 7, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Hi my friend. I read this post last Sunday and have wanted to comment, but I’ve been feeling a lot like your post and was scared to say it. I too hate this disease. And dying does suck. And some days I just want out. But not for good. Just for the day, or maybe two. Anyways, thanks for sharing. You help make my world a better place.

    • FlaHam

      September 7, 2013 at 9:01 am

      Dee, Thank you for your kind words. I suspect a lot of people feel as we do, and I used to keep those ill feeling down to an hour or 3 on any given day. But as the disease takes more of a toll on my body, lungs and mind, it is so so difficult to keep them in check. Like you sometimes these feelings go on for 2 or 3 days, and they come back more often than they used to. You listening to me, you sharing with me, you being there and supporting me makes my world a better place. Thank you, you keep giving it the good fight and so will I. Take care, Bill

  8. Wanda

    September 8, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Bill, I read this last week shortly after you posted it but didn’t comment then because I honestly didn’t know what to say. After some reflection, I’m back to say you are entitled to feel however crappy, angry, sad or whatever emotion you want without feeling guilty about it (not that you need my or anyone else’s permission of course). Having said that, I am also very glad you have the willpower and strength of spirit to fight against the bad feelings AND the disease. Take care, my friend.

    • FlaHam

      September 8, 2013 at 10:44 am

      Wanda, You are one of two people I know, who I can actually reach out and touch that reads my blog, the other is Allison (though it appears a couple of my siblings read it also), so maybe 4 people, all the other readers (who I cherish) really only know me by the words I type. But you know me, the real me, the actual me, and you know that sometimes my mouth engages long before my brain does. I actually believe that my fingers are an extension of my mouth, and they engage long before my brain. This is the long way of saying that sometimes I have considered letting a document sit in the “Bill’s blog stuff” folder for a day or two before actually setting it free. Being honest I have considered it and discarded it. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, and when that happens I believe I say some of my most important stuff. I say things that need to be said by not only myself, but by folks like me, who haven’t had the opportunity to say them, or maybe the courage to say them. I get those feeling, those emotions, out there. But the most important thing is, that even after I say them, you, Allison, and my sibling still love me. You’ll still care, and you’ll still want me to say it. Thank you, Bill


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