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How I Feel Today 10.19.2013….. (finished on 10.22)

22 Oct

Good evening folks this is Saturday night, and I am about to head out to dinner with the family here in Louisville KY.  So this document will not be completed until sometime tomorrow or later.  Of all the “How I Feel Today….”s  I have written this will turn out to be one of the most important.  It is something that has been forming in my head all week.  I use these posts to manage my physical coping with COPD.   From time to time I talk about the mental aspect of being terminally ill, and I have spoken about depression and the impact it has on me and the disease. When I have spoken about death, it has always been mine that I was talking about.  This is the 1st death that has really reached its ugly ass hand out and grabbed me hard.  It has been a brutal week; physically I am doing fine nothing really to complain about but mentally not so good.  If I had to rate the week at best I would give it a 1.5, for as good as I feel physically my reaction to Cassi passing has been off the chart

We got the call at 445am Monday of this week, everyone knows that nothing good comes from a call at 445am.  As I picked up the phone and heard my brother’s John’s voice, the very 1st thought that crossed my mind is that Jim (2nd oldest) (sorry Jim, he has begun to read my blog) had passed.  This would have been crushing, but Jim (like me) is kinda sickly, and it wouldn’t have been totally out of the question, but as John when on, he painted a horrific picture.  The details were sketchy as best, but there had been horrific accident.

Cassi and Sarah (my other niece) were driving back from St Louis. On their return they had a flat tire.  They pull the car off the road on the left side of the highway, soon after their car was struck.  Both were injured, but Sarah was hospitalized for a couple of days, and Cassi passed away on the 19th of October.

Folks, it is now October 22, and I am now returning to Florida, I have had time to think, I have had time to mourn, I have shared my grief with my family, and I have helped lay Cassi to rest. But I am still not totally right.  I don’t believe I felt this bad the day the doctor told me I was terminal.  Grief is the world’s heaviest weight.  I have not known grief to this level my entire life.  When my parents passed away I grieved the lost, but both had been ill, and had full lives.  When a child dies, that is a whole different level of grief.  I truly enjoyed Cassi, she was as sweet and innocent as she could be, she never had a negative or ill word for anyone and was always quick to smile and brighten your day.  I know God has a plan, every preacher tells me and you that, but I don’t understand it, Ed doesn’t understand it, Vicki (Cassi’s Mom) surely doesn’t understand, nor do any of Cassi’s friends.  And poor Sarah, she probably understands the least.

I well survive this, and in time Ed, Patrick, Sarah, and Vicki will find ways to come to grip with this.  As much as I don’t understand God’s plan for Cassi, I thank him for not including Sarah.  I also thank him it wasn’t my daughter or my granddaughter.

I will return to normal “How I Feel’s” this coming weekend.  Please take care, and look around to those you love, and acknowledge them. And be thankful for them. Thank you for your good thoughts, and as always your comments welcomed are encouraged – take care, Bill

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 22, 2013 in How I feel on a particular day

 

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14 responses to “How I Feel Today 10.19.2013….. (finished on 10.22)

  1. ***Angel***

    October 22, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    *****SO VERY SORRY TIGHT HUGS***I JUST NOW SAW THAT U STARTED THIS ON SATURDAY I WOULD OF WROTE U BUT I WAS FLAT DOWN AGAIN – PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF*MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR U & FAMILY GOD HAS A REASON WHY THESE THINGS HAPPEN WE DUNNO MITE BE DOWN THE ROAD U MITE KNOW FROM HIM..
    SHE IS AN ANGEL WATCHING DOWN ON YOU I LUV HER NAME CASSI.. ***GENTLE HUGS & LUV**

     
    • FlaHam

      October 23, 2013 at 9:45 pm

      Sweet Pea, Thank you so much for your kind words, Cassi has been laid to rest, and her spirit lives on. I do hope that I live long enough to see how this works in God’s overall plan. Please take care, Bill xox

       
  2. Chatter Master

    October 22, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Bill I can’t “like” this. And I can’t do anything but feel sorrow for you and your family. I hope you are all being loved and comforted through this. I am so very sorry.

     
    • FlaHam

      October 22, 2013 at 7:41 pm

      Colleen, Thank you so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me and I know they come from your heart. My brother Ed, and family (including ex-wife) are hanging in there. But this is a difficult time, Cassi was special to me, she was the only other redhead in the family, and she was as sweet a human as possible. She made me promise to give her my vehicle if I ever won the Lotto, it was a promised I had intended on keeping. I will be but one of a zillion folks that miss her. She was special. Take care, Bill

       
  3. Christine

    October 22, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Bill, I am so so sorry. I really do not think that things like this are in God’s plan. A wonderful book re: this is ‘When Bad Things Happened to Good People”, by Rabbi Harold Kushner. I will pray for comfort for all.

     
    • FlaHam

      October 22, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      Christine, I think I really agree with you. But I have to hope and pray there is a grand scheme and all these little pieces fit together for the betterment of all of us. Thank you for your words of comfort. Please take care, Bill

       
  4. The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap

    October 22, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    I can’t like this either. Holding you and everyone impacted by this tragedy in my heart. Hope that some of the flow being sent to you here helps a little. Hugs, Paulette

     
    • FlaHam

      October 22, 2013 at 8:52 pm

      Paulette, Thank you for your continued support and hugs, they are greatly appreciated. I didn’t like it either, but I had to say it. XO Bill

       
  5. jmgoyder

    October 22, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    I wish I knew how to comfort you and your family better. Sending love to all of Cassi’s family.

     
  6. gita4elamats

    October 23, 2013 at 1:10 am

    Oh, Bill, I’m so sorry for your loss. {{{HUGS}}}

     
    • FlaHam

      October 23, 2013 at 9:51 pm

      Ela, Thank you for your sweet words, I truly appreciate your kindness. Take care, Bill

       
  7. DeeDee Granata

    October 24, 2013 at 4:53 am

    I don’t know what to say, so I will just send hugs.

     
  8. Marlyn Brook

    October 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    There is never a “totally right” ever again after such a tragedy:( With time, which has no number because for each of us it’s different, there becomes a new and different right. For me there are still times the phone rings & every muscle in body tightens. I was 19 when my 23 year old sister was killed by a drunk driver. I have such empathy for Sarah, sympathy for Cassi’s parents & brother, sadness for a young, beautiful life lost and a deep caring for the hurting heart of her dear Uncle. I am here for you.

     
  9. Wanda

    October 26, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Bill,

    Each person, however short or long their earthly existence is, affects the lives of everyone they know. From your account, I can only conclude that Cassi’s influence was overwhelmingly positive–and I am so sad for you and the rest of her family that the existence of someone so young, so vibrant, so … was ended way too soon.

    take care of you…

     

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