How I Feel Today 10.19.2013….. (finished on 10.22)
Good evening folks this is Saturday night, and I am about to head out to dinner with the family here in Louisville KY. So this document will not be completed until sometime tomorrow or later. Of all the “How I Feel Today….”s I have written this will turn out to be one of the most important. It is something that has been forming in my head all week. I use these posts to manage my physical coping with COPD. From time to time I talk about the mental aspect of being terminally ill, and I have spoken about depression and the impact it has on me and the disease. When I have spoken about death, it has always been mine that I was talking about. This is the 1st death that has really reached its ugly ass hand out and grabbed me hard. It has been a brutal week; physically I am doing fine nothing really to complain about but mentally not so good. If I had to rate the week at best I would give it a 1.5, for as good as I feel physically my reaction to Cassi passing has been off the chart
We got the call at 445am Monday of this week, everyone knows that nothing good comes from a call at 445am. As I picked up the phone and heard my brother’s John’s voice, the very 1st thought that crossed my mind is that Jim (2nd oldest) (sorry Jim, he has begun to read my blog) had passed. This would have been crushing, but Jim (like me) is kinda sickly, and it wouldn’t have been totally out of the question, but as John when on, he painted a horrific picture. The details were sketchy as best, but there had been horrific accident.
Cassi and Sarah (my other niece) were driving back from St Louis. On their return they had a flat tire. They pull the car off the road on the left side of the highway, soon after their car was struck. Both were injured, but Sarah was hospitalized for a couple of days, and Cassi passed away on the 19th of October.
Folks, it is now October 22, and I am now returning to Florida, I have had time to think, I have had time to mourn, I have shared my grief with my family, and I have helped lay Cassi to rest. But I am still not totally right. I don’t believe I felt this bad the day the doctor told me I was terminal. Grief is the world’s heaviest weight. I have not known grief to this level my entire life. When my parents passed away I grieved the lost, but both had been ill, and had full lives. When a child dies, that is a whole different level of grief. I truly enjoyed Cassi, she was as sweet and innocent as she could be, she never had a negative or ill word for anyone and was always quick to smile and brighten your day. I know God has a plan, every preacher tells me and you that, but I don’t understand it, Ed doesn’t understand it, Vicki (Cassi’s Mom) surely doesn’t understand, nor do any of Cassi’s friends. And poor Sarah, she probably understands the least.
I well survive this, and in time Ed, Patrick, Sarah, and Vicki will find ways to come to grip with this. As much as I don’t understand God’s plan for Cassi, I thank him for not including Sarah. I also thank him it wasn’t my daughter or my granddaughter.
I will return to normal “How I Feel’s” this coming weekend. Please take care, and look around to those you love, and acknowledge them. And be thankful for them. Thank you for your good thoughts, and as always your comments welcomed are encouraged – take care, Bill