How I Feel for the Week Ending 05/09/14

10 May

For the week ending 05.09.14 this report will undoubtable be late, but it will be coming from my home and under the influence of my music.  Sidebar, it is one of those days, and I started the music with Vince Gill’s “Go Rest High on the Mountain.” Smiling I am in a Country Music kinda mood, so we have moved on to Big & Rich’s “Why does everyone want to kick my ass”.  We are out of the hotel, and have been since Wednesday evening, and Lord to I appreciate being home, in my own bed, my own shower, and my frig!! It is so refreshing to be home.  The wife is tickled to death with the new floor, and we all know happy wife = happy home.  The oral surgery went well (on Tuesday), and the offending tooth pulled, and have only a slight bit of post extraction pain, so little in fact I have only taken one pain pill in the last 24 hours.  If I live to be a 100 I might end up with dentures. LOL LOL. The only other appointment I had this week was with Doc Head, it is nice to have someone who you can completely bare your soul and inner thoughts without fear of repercussions.  Oh it appears that Hospice day will be on Thursdays.  They will come once a week to check me out, they take all vitals, make sure all my prescriptions are up to date and that I have enough to get thru the weekend at a minimum, ask several questions regarding my general health, and then out the door.  Hospice will take care of all my medical needs that I need that relate directly to my COPD.  They won’t supply medicines that may deal with other medical conditions.  Sidebar, we just listened to Toby Keith’s “I’ll never smoke weed with Willy again.” Smiling, fun song. All things considered, tooth pulled, living in a hotel, managing the contractor replacing the floor, and putting up with the Florida heat and humidity I am going to give the week a very solid 2.75.  The other reason the week gets a 2.75 is because very little else has changed, the coughing is about normal, tiredness about the same, and the respiration’s are staying above 20 + breathes a minute, which makes the heart work harder.

Let get the vitals out-of-the-way for the week ending 05.09.14

  • INR = 2.1 taken 04/08/14 – next INR reading scheduled for 05.12.14

  • O2 level @ 2.5 LPM = 95 taken on 05.08.14 – I would say spot checking my O2 level this week has found on average about 91/92 range.

  • Peak Flow = 215 taken 05.08.14

  • BP = 122/64 taken 05.08.14

  • Heart rate = 122 taken 05.08.14

  • Temp = 98.7 taken 05.08.14

  • Weight = 268 taken 05.09.14

So ends the technical aspect of my “How I Feel This Week” report for the week ending 05.09.14, moving now to the word of the week discussion aspect.  This week we are going to talk about Expectations.  We all have expectations that we impose upon ourselves and those others have in us, today I would like to talk about those expectations.  As normal we will start with the web dictionary definition of the word:

ex·pec·ta·tion  — noun  1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation. 2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating. 3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation. 4. something expected; a thing looked forward to. 5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations

Of all of the definitions I have drawn from the Internet to use for this part of my post, this definition is one of the clearest to date.  It is safe to say that each of us with a life threatening disease face two prime points of expectations. One; those expectations that come from within ourselves, those we think and feel when we look in the mirror or set about doing a task, or two; those expectations that others have for us.  This second group of expectations is a whole big can of worms in and of itself and I will talk to that next week.  But the simplest way to address those expectations is to say FUCK THEM, but I will get into that further next week.

As kids when we do something successfully, we anticipate being able to do that again and again and again.  Once that accomplishment registers in our head it stays there forever.  We from that day forward, always have the expectation that we will always have that same level of success whenever we attempt that activity. Experience and effort, coupled with a level of success establishes expectations in our head. Sidebar: we have been listening to Travis Tritt, Trace Akins {(This ain’t no) thinkin thing}, Dixie Chicks, Lucinda Williams (Change the Locks), Garth Brooks (Friends in Low Places), and Gretchen Wilson, to name a few. The problem is that sometimes I listen and sing instead of typing. We experience in so many things, from school work, to sports, cooking, yard work, building things, carrying or lifting different levels of weight, and on and on.  Through our accomplishments and experience we find that doing things will take this level of effort and this amount of time.  That activity could be doing the laundry, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, cutting the grass, folding cloths, walking down the street, yard work, and all other manner of daily household chore or projects.  Again success breeds expectations. 

Soft smile, the aging process is a marathon not a sprint.  As we age, we gracefully and gradually come to conclusion that the process does impact our expectations, but because acceptance happens steadily over an extended period we softly slip into a lower level of self-expectations. This in my opinion is nature’s way, the way it is supposed to be.  We turn around and look the majority of our counterparts and we see the same process is taking place in them as that we see in the mirror, and because of this we collectively are okay and accepting of the process.

But when you are terminally ill this process seems to be in overdrive.  Tasks that we would have done without breaking into a sweat 2 or 3 years ago (longer or shorter depending on you), we now have to take break after break after break to accomplish. Some tasks we don’t even bother with because we may not have the breath or stamina to complete. Some of us (especially me) are embarrassed easy when we (I) don’t have the ware for all to complete a task. Sidebar: for all my great Canadian friends, I have switched gears and now have Nickelback blasting in my head LMAO, because I try to keep my posts at the PG-13 level I can’t even tell you the names of most of my favorite Nickelback songs LOLBut I am here to tell you we need to get over it, and we have to acknowledge the fact that we do need to lower our personal expectations.  We need to come to grips with the fact that our diseases have robbed us of the capabilities we once had.  To acknowledge this doesn’t mean we send out the invitations to the pity party.  It means that if we had the expectation to complete a task in 15 minutes and it now takes 30 minutes, then damn it, it takes 30 minutes. But by completing the task we have met the expectation, and this my friends is a moral and physical victory. I started this post last night around 11pm.  It is now Saturday, but since I started today I have, made the bed, emptied the dish washer, when out to breakfast, and stopped at the grocery store. Not even mentioning a bunch of little crap kinda things. I will admit that I am a bit tired, but I met my expectations.  Years ago I would not have budgeted as much time, and I sure would not have inserted as many breaks into the completion of these tasks that I have.   

Changing your personal expectations is nothing to be ashamed of it’s no reason to hold your head down. It is terrible unfair of you to hold yourself to self-imposed expectations that will disappoint yourself when you don’t complete them. BTW everyplace you see a “you” I am talking about me, if it applies to you, apply it.  COPD has robbed me of many things, and it will end up shortening my life by many years.  But I will not let self-imposed expectations which I fail to meet drag me into a deep dark hole.  I would suggest you don’t let it drag you into a hole either.

Next week I will talk about the expectations other TRY to impose upon us.  I suspect it will be just as emotional as this. 

As always if you have any questions, concerns, or comments please feel free to bring to my attention, I will answer as completely and honestly as possible. Please take care, Bill


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24 responses to “How I Feel for the Week Ending 05/09/14

  1. haddyism

    May 10, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Rosemary tea is very good for your lungs, please drink lots of it. And wow, you’ve gotten so much more done today than I have. I’m still in the tub.

    • FlaHam

      May 10, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      Haddy, I will try some rosemary tea. Being in the tub isn’t such a bad thing. Take care, Bill

  2. kanzensakura

    May 10, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Yes, smoking weed with Willy can be a dangerously fun thing. I can attest to this personally. But the one time I was invited to, it was just a lot of fun. I am keeping track of your readings….you can’t run and you can’t hide either. This past week, I showed my hubby a new line dance to Honky Tonk Be-donka-donk. I think this has been a good week for both of us. Ginger tea with honey is good too. Hugs.

    • FlaHam

      May 10, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Kanzen, Smiling I have not availed myself of that for 40 + years, and even then while smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, I didn’t enjoy weed at all. It seemed like to much effort for too little reward. So you like me giving my vital each week. I believe you are the 1st person that has actually said that. Take care, Bill

      • huntmode

        May 27, 2014 at 9:45 pm

        It’s her pharmacy program, Bill… Grin.

        • FlaHam

          May 28, 2014 at 1:29 pm

          Huntie, Laughing was Kanzen is a majority of one, and that’s all it will take for me to continue to include my vitals each week. Her wish is my command. LOL take care, have a great day — Bill

  3. Barbara Farrelly

    May 10, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    Bill wrote:
    “COPD has robbed me of many things, and it will end up shortening my life by many years. But I will not let self-imposed expectations which I fail to meet drag me into a deep dark hole. I would suggest you don’t let it drag you into a hole either.”

    Spot on, Bill. This is very good advice for us who are counting the days. Actually it’s good advice for everybody. Expectations eventually lead to resentments.

    I stopped measuring my breathing at home with the puffometer after a kind respiratory nurse told me Copd was like stubborn asthma and it would be depressing to expect the readings to change much. She was right. I would feel great, blow as hard as possible, and there is was: 150. Fail. Again.

    Glad you’re back home. Something about your own bathroom too, don’t you think?

    Kia Kaha (a Maori phrase meaning ‘stay strong’).

    x Barbara

    • FlaHam

      May 11, 2014 at 6:31 am

      Barbara, Yes my own bathroom how could I fail to mention that. LOL LOL. I am glad you thought my post offered good advice, I is just me expressing my thoughts on a variety of subjects that I feel relate to myself and anyone else suffering from a terminal disease. Sometimes my thoughts are purely selfish, my way of pouting, of throwing a temper tantrum, but mostly I like to think of them a being beneficial. Thank you for finding the benefit in these. Take care, Bill

  4. Chatter Master

    May 10, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Bill you lost more weight!

    I’m thrilled to see another 2.75 week. It must be the going home, home to comfort and fridge. 🙂

    You impress me. You did more than I did today. I’ll be curious to see if those teas suggested to you make any difference.

    And as always, thanks for the enlightenment you give us every week. 🙂 I hope your week approaching lifts to a 2.8. 🙂

    • FlaHam

      May 11, 2014 at 6:22 am

      Colleen, I would hope I lost weight, LOL LOL, 2 days of yogurt and a little bit of ice cream will do that to you every time. I felt the score was a good reflection of the week in total, and given the circumstances, so we are both happy with it. Smiling, I am not going to put any stock in who did more, I didn’t and haven’t chased after kids, I don’t have a regular job to chase. I will be at the grocery store later in the morning to check out that tea, I am not normally a tea drinker, but if there is any impact on my breathing it is worth checking out. Smiling, we will see what score next week brings. Take care have a very Wonderful Mother’s Day ! ! ! Bill xoxo

      • Chatter Master

        May 11, 2014 at 10:15 am

        I’ve heard of many health benefits of different teas. So I hope they give you some measure of comfort and/or ease.

        Thank you Bill. And xoxoxoxooxxo’s returned! 🙂

  5. Helen Devries

    May 10, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    You’re a great man!
    Try noni and graviola.

    • FlaHam

      May 11, 2014 at 6:13 am

      Helen, That is a very sweet and even noble thing to say about me or anyone, but I don’t deserve that title. I have great friends, great acquaintances, even some great ideas, but the total doesn’t equal great. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for even suggesting it. Thank you, Bill

  6. The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap

    May 11, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Home sweet home! I’m praying you live to be old enough for dentures, lol. I second what Helen wrote, great indeed. Hugs & love to you. ❤

    • FlaHam

      May 11, 2014 at 11:03 am

      Paulette, You know I love you, but I will give you the same response I gave Helen, I am far from great. And I will be 100 pct honest and say that I too hope I grow old enough for a complete set of dentures. Please take care, and have a wonderful Mother’s Day. XOXOXOXO Love Bill

      • The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap

        May 11, 2014 at 11:29 am

        I hold my position with Helen. Two against one, lol! Greatness is in the eyes of the beholder and boy do I behold you to be a great friend, a great man, … makes my heart feel good just to know you. ‘nuf of my babble. Hope you have a great day and happy Mother’s Day to your lovely wife and daughter. ❤

        • FlaHam

          May 11, 2014 at 11:38 am

          Sweetness, I know better than to argue with you. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day. Take care – Bill

  7. benzeknees

    May 12, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Reading this on Monday Bill, after a visit with psychiatrist. On top of COPD, I am battling crippling depression right now, so we had a talk about what needs to change, etc. I think it is dealing with the lower expectations (I used to be soooo independent), dealing with the diagnosis & job loss which have led me to this point. But I am determined to come out the other side because I need to enjoy the life I have left to me & right now I’m not enjoying anything. So we’re going to make some changes to my medications & my habits to try to kickstart me into caring about myself again. Hang in there with me Bill!

  8. Wanda

    May 17, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Bill, you are so kind to everyone around you–in person, online, in every circumstance–so I’m glad to read that you are also being more kind to yourself. The thing about self-expectation is that they are often driven by what we think others want from us rather than what seems right and authentic to us personally. You are, once again, showing your wisdom. Thanks for an enlightening, and encouraging, post.

    • FlaHam

      May 17, 2014 at 7:19 pm

      Wanda, thank you for your wonderfully kind words. I believe what I write, yet sometimes I have a difficult time practicing what I write. Smiling but I keep trying. Please take care, Bill

  9. huntmode

    May 27, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    So glad you have Dr. Head to let rip with and bare your soul and bones to, Bill. You are achieving your goal of helping others, Bill. …and we can say we think you are great. Proper response: Thank you, Ladies. 🙂 ❤ Grin.

    • FlaHam

      May 28, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      Huntie, T H A N K Y O U L A D I E S ! ! ! I am very good at taking instruction, I have been house broken for years. To Doc Head’s credit she chose a very good word. Smiling, my blog allows me to open my heart, soul and bones to the world to see. And because the world looks back, it gives me strength. Also knowing that I am helping even if it were only one person, that is more than enough to continue. Take care, Bill

      • Barbara Farrelly

        May 28, 2014 at 9:43 pm

        Bill wrote,
        “As we age, . . . we look at the majority of our counterparts and we see the same process is taking place in them as that we see in the mirror, and because of this we collectively are okay and accepting of the process.”

        Beautiful post Bill with much to think about, as always. Hooray for our friends, our mirrors.
        Bette Davis was right on when she said, ‘Aging is not for wimps’!

        Aging, for me, has been a series of losses—small and big, but as we know, there are compensations, and most days I do not miss being young and silly . . . a rebel without a clue, as I call myself.

        I like they way the Desiderata puts it:
        ‘Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
        Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
        Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.’

        • FlaHam

          May 29, 2014 at 8:46 am

          Barb, It has been a real pleasure making your acquaintance and having my days brightened with your comments. Betty Davis was right aging isn’t for the wimps. But more surprising is that as I age I see less and less wimps. I have seen so much courage, so much grace, and so much dignity in my aging counterparts. In our youth I think we would have been friends. I didn’t have a clue either. Hell in many instances I still don’t have a clue. Barb, I keep finding fuel to keep my own fire burning deeply. Thank you for joining the journey. Take care, Bill


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