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How I Feel for the Week Ending 07.05.14…   

06 Jul

Folks, I hope you successfully survived the three “F”s food, fireworks, and fun that come in abundance on July 4th.  As for me, it was as quiet as it could be.  The neighborhood fireworks started around 3:30pm reached their most intense time around 9:30pm to 10:30pm with some of the longer fuses going off from time to time all night and still this morning. First sidebar, the music is pure random today, we started with Aretha Franklin, followed by George Thorogood Reba McEntire,  and now Brooks and Dunn, so it’s sound like we have the potential for a Country Music Morning. It is approximately 1015am my brother-in-law just left after a 2 day visit, which I thought was going to be longer.  He’s a good guy and we have been friends as long as I have been married to his sister.  So clearly I am getting a late start but I promise this will be in your inbox no later than tomorrow afternoon, it has been miserably hot and humid this week, with that being broken up yesterday. The pool temperature has climbed to over 90, so it isn’t nearly as refreshing as anyone would like.  If the pool vacuum worked a touch better I would have a 9,000 gallon hot tub. LOL LOL.  But I know you’re not reading this for the weather and pool report.  The heat and humidity have played hell with me this past week, and my scheduling seemed to have me out and about during the worse part of the day, so physically I have been drained all week.  Of course coming with that is a harsher SOB.  Still folks all things considered I am going to give myself a score of 2.75 for the week.  No I don’t feel as good as I want, but I sure as hell don’t feel as bad as I could. So once again it is a 2.75 score for the week.  Last week I posted a length to an award this blog was given, and many folks contacted me and said the link didn’t work.  I am going to try one more time to make it available, because I am kinda proud of it.  

http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-copd-blogs 

Once there just scroll thru until you come to page 14 that would be me.

Last week I spoke of the need to pace myself, and as the summer wears on that is more and more evident.  I think this is something that each of us who suffer from a respiratory disease need to keep in mind. But this holds true and goes way beyond those who are ill. Smiling, take a look around you, see that cranky child, I rest my case. LOL.  This is what heat and humidity do to you, and ME, brings out our inner child. Sidebar; we have moved on to Jimi Hendrix, Garth Brooks and Freddy King, being on full random, well just be ready for surprises. So folks, I just wanted to remind you that you’re not invincible.

I had only 1 doctors’ appointment this week, that was to have my INR checked, and that was 2.3 well with the therapeutic range, the next check will not be until July 28, 2014. On the 3rd of July I hand my weekly visit with the Hospice nurse, that went well, and per normal that took about an hour. I still haven’t goofed on the nurse when she asked me “what do you miss” question, without thinking I give her an honest answer. Next week I see Doc Head on Monday and that’s it for the week. I have no, none, nada, appointments until the 16th; I may go into Doctor withdrawal, if am not careful. 

Let get the vitals out-of-the-way for the week ending 07.05.14 

  • INR = 2.3 taken 06.30.14 – next test will be 07.28.14 – but no change in meds

  • O2 level @ 2.5 LPM = 95 taken 7.3.14

  • Peak Flow = 215 taken moments ago, 7.5.14

  • BP = 110/60 taken 7.3.14

  • Heart rate = 96 taken 7.3.14

  • Temp = 98.5 taken 07.3.14

  • Weight = 265 taken 07.5.14 

So ends the technical aspect of my “How I Feel This Week” report for the week ending 07.05.14, moving now to the word of the week discussion aspect. This week I have chosen forgive/forgiveness as the word of the week. As I normally do I will start with the dictionary definition for the word.  

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Forgive

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/forgiveness

forgiveverb(used with object), for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.  1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.  2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).  3 to grant pardon to (a person). 4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.  5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

forgivenessnoun 1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven. 2. disposition or willingness to forgive.

Two weeks ago I spoke at length about anger, and how one needed to avoid at all costs saying those things that can’t be unsaid. To avoid saying things that “sorry” can’t fix.  Having been that angry at times during my life, and having someone be that angry at me, I could speak from experience, and I suspect that many of you have said things or had things said to you that clearly would have been best served not being said at all.  In  my earlier post I had concluded that anger came as a result of really not thinking, but verbally exploding.

This week we are going in the other direction.  We are going to discuss the act of forgiving.  As rapidly as angry comes upon a person, forgiveness seems to take forever and a week.  The words those terrible words dig deeply, and they fester, they rattle around, and they don’t fucking go away.  Sidebar; I just went from AC/DC to Lewis Black to Sarah McLachlan to Stone Temple Pilots, random play makes for strange bedfellows. In time the pain begins to lessen but it rears its ugly head at the most unexpected moments.  Your brain flashes like a strike of lightening, and there it is again that unrelenting anger, and there you are again mad as hell.  It’s because forgiveness has not started, you think you have forgiven the person, and 99 pct of the time the actions are long gone, but a look, a grunt, a condescending smile, can cause it to rush back.  I had always thought that forgiveness was a natural trait, it just happened, but I have been so wrong.  You really have to work at forgiving; the action of forgiveness seems to be multi-step.  And through it all the individual responsible for the anger has to help you forgive, and even more importantly you have to allow them to help you forgive.  You have to stop harboring the thoughts that angered you originally.  You as an individual have to make a conscious effort to forgive, but the very first step is getting over it.  The definition above for “forgive” especially number 4, really seems to be the key.  For forgiveness to begin you as an individual must “…cease to feel resentment against.”  Sometimes this takes much longer than you expect or anticipate.  And this is by no means perfect. But it is a place to start.  The definitions for “forgiveness” really seem to define what one must go thru to forgive.  The second definition “disposition or willingness” means a real action has to be taken on your part.  Unlike how naïve I have been, thinking forgiveness is a natural event; in reality it only becomes natural thru a significant effort.  Smiling there is a life lesson here someplace.  It would be apt but appropriate to say practice makes perfect when it comes to forgiveness.

I am also saying that those of us with a terminal disease really need to work on these skills now, because we really don’t have time to wait. Oh you healthy folks need to pay attention to this as well, just because you think you have more time, doesn’t make it so.  Besides enough of you healthy folks have said time and time again, “Oh, I could die tomorrow.” Well maybe you might, so pay attention. I for one can’t see any good that can come from taking a lot of anger to the grave with me.  Having no experience at dying (thankfully) it seem so counterproductive to harbor those feeling of rage, anger or angriness to the end, and it is my intent to be free of them to the best of my ability before I go.   I can’t help but feel it will make the transition to end of retirement easier for me and those I love and care for.

As always if you have any questions, concerns, or comments please feel free to bring to my attention, I will answer as completely and honestly as possible. Please take care, Bill

 

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45 responses to “How I Feel for the Week Ending 07.05.14…   

  1. Chatter Master

    July 6, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Bill the link worked for me every time I tried it so I hope it starts to work for the others. I’m glad those who can benefit from it see the value in what you are doing.

    I’m glad you are holding steady at a 2.75 week.

    I know the forgiving part of life has got to be one of the more difficult activities. And I think it is an activity. It takes effort. But I also recognize the peace and comfort that can come from that.

    I have a feeling it’s going to be a great week Bill! 😉

     
    • FlaHam

      July 6, 2014 at 6:59 pm

      Colleen, Sometimes I amaze myself on how naive I am even at 64. Forgiveness has always been an automatic reflex for me, I have never really had to work hard at it until recently, and it has become a real struggle. But it is one I willingly take on. When I go, I want to have as little baggage as I can, LOL. As for the recognition, I am glad you got to see it. I have been vane enough to look at it more than once, and I think it is cool. Smiling I know for a fact this coming week will be great. Take care, Bill

       
      • Chatter Master

        July 7, 2014 at 9:39 am

        I am your twin in naive land Bill. I do like to forgive. Though I do think it takes effort. But the hard part is, sometimes people don’t value one another enough to even care if they are forgiven. I shake my head. I don’t get it.

         
        • FlaHam

          July 7, 2014 at 1:10 pm

          Colleen, Naive has almost become my 1st name. Like you in past years forgiving came easy and lasted as long as necessary. I was also the type that you could burn more than once and I dealt with it the same way, I forgave and forgot. I must have been either quite foolish or even more Naive than I am now. You said something quite profound in your comment and I am going to quote it back at you “sometimes people don’t value one another enough to even care if they are forgiven.” That my friend is the key they don’t give enough of a crap to care. My fear is this is the direction the world is going and it is a shame. Take care my friend. Bill xoxo

           
          • Chatter Master

            July 8, 2014 at 9:04 am

            Bill, I hope the world isn’t going in that direction. Though, like you, I sometimes get that feeling. But I think there are more good people than bad. I truly believe that. That’s where our hope lies.

             
            • FlaHam

              July 8, 2014 at 9:54 am

              Colleen, As long as the world has folks like you, Paulette, Rara, Julie, Huntie, Wanda, Brenda, and even myself, we will prevent the world from becoming as I described it. I am not saying we are the saviors of the world, but we care enough about those around us will have some level of safety net, someplace they can go and be heard, and know that they are cared for. And each of those I have named have at least 3 or 4 other folks that they know care, and those folks know other folks that care. So the world we always have a supply of loving caring people. But as you well know, even the brave, caring, loving folks have off days. Maybe we shared an off day, and we both viewed the bleak. It does happen. We will stay strong, we will help make the world a better place. Take care, Bill

               
              • Chatter Master

                July 9, 2014 at 7:44 am

                It does happen indeed. And the best part is that I know without a doubt that there are people who do make this world better, and they are the very strength we need. 🙂

                 
                • FlaHam

                  July 9, 2014 at 9:49 am

                  Colleen, and I am proud we are part of that group. Take care, Bill

                   
  2. The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap

    July 6, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Like Colleen said, the forgiveness part is hard but very powerful. I wish there were a switch we could press to turn it on, as with so many other things but for me, and along with what you wrote, this is a linchpin for moving on and enjoying what is.

    Glad to hear you had a nice visit, albeit a little short, with your brother-in-law. Our forth was fairly uneventful until after 9:00 p.m. as well, lol. when we dog sat our furballs so they didn’t get scared. Overall no problems.

    Sending you lotsa love & hugs & hope you continue to hold steady and improve.
    ❤ 🙂

     
    • FlaHam

      July 7, 2014 at 12:59 pm

      Paulette, I am still working on forgiveness, it is as powerful an emotion as there is. It is so easy to talk about, and there are so many “right” words to say when you go thru the motion of forgiving, but the actual action of forgiving is so much more difficult. A switch would come in real handy, heck you could get on that allowed you to turn off your brain during those words that are so hurtful, so harmful, that you wouldn’t need to forgive because you never got hurt. Talk about a pipe dream. But having said all that I am still searching in my soul for the right combination to truly forgive. Take care, Bill xoxoxox

       
  3. Helen Devries

    July 6, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Forgiveness I can do…after all, the likelihood is that the person who has offended me has had no idea of my weak spots or of how hard their blow has struck…but I don;t forget, and they don’t get a second chance.
    In respect of those attacking or hurting my husband…then forgiveness takes a back seat.

     
    • FlaHam

      July 7, 2014 at 1:04 pm

      Helen Helen I understand your position perfectly and could not agree more. One because that works for you. And I completely get how involving family changes all the rules. Me I am an old softy, for years I have managed to forgive and forget, I have even turned the other cheek. But not much recently. The pain is to deep, and there is to little time left. And without the effort of the offending party, I am finding forgiving much more difficult, and forgetting almost impossible. Please take care, and thank you for you insight. Bill

       
  4. Miss Lou

    July 8, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    Hi Bill!
    We had a tremendous dose of the three “F”s – food, fireworks, and fun. Although we live in Australia, On July 1st that is known as Territory Day where I live – and every year it is celebrated by locals who can legally purchase and set of firecrackers! (one day a year) – So that was pretty awesome.

    I love Aretha Franklin, and have never heard of George Thorogood, BUT I do know Reba McEntire, and Brooks and Dunn is one that my mother used to listen to. Not quite as much as Foster and Allen and Charlie Pride (which she used to torture us in the car with on long drives through the Adelaide Hills).

    Sounds like you are being driven a little batty by the weather! We have just moved out of our monsoon (hot and humid weather) to the Dry Season, where things are much crisper and less humid) thank goodness. Our last electricity bill was $1994 due to the AIRCON use!

    http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-copd-blogs

    Once there just scroll thru until you come to page 14 that would be me.

    Your blog just inspired me to put on some Garth Brooks! (puts on If Tomorrow never comes)

    Your words for the week – Forgive and Forgiveness are very relevant right now to my own life, and they are timely reminder. Thank you.

    Miss Lou
    x

     
    • FlaHam

      July 9, 2014 at 9:41 am

      Miss Lou, Smiling, I am so glad you had such a great time on Territory Day. Every country should have that day, where all the explosions are meant for fun and not for killing each other. Having been fortunate to having visited Australia, it is indeed one of the few places on earth I would live besides the USA. Smiling, here is a taste of George Thorogood. I have been a fan of his for years and years, and while he doesn’t have “huge” following he is respected. http://www.vevo.com/watch/george-thorogood-and-the-destroyers/bad-to-the-bon e/USEM40200009 The weather impacts us all, in some way shape or form. Yes or electric bills climb during our summer, and the humidity always kick butt. But just like me you know the seasons will change and it will get better. I am quite glad you chose to comment, and I am even more happy (if that is indeed the correct thing to say) in that you found relevance in my choice of word for the week. I struggle with forgiving now than at any other point in my life, and now is the time I feel I need to find ways to forgive faster, and deeper than at any other point in my life. What every you are struggling with, I hope that you find what you need to forgive. Please take care, Bill

       
      • Miss Lou

        July 9, 2014 at 11:45 am

        Yanno, I think recognizing the need to forgive and practice forgiveness if 3/4 of the way there.

        Many might be content with feeling bitter and wasting all their energy on that process which really does no one any good.

        You’re a wonderful example of pushing past that!

         
        • FlaHam

          July 9, 2014 at 12:42 pm

          Miss Lou, It is a continuing process, I am so far from perfect, but I also know I don’t have the time or energy to waste on feeling bitter. So I always do the best I can to avoid it. Thank you for your kind words. Please take care, Bill

           
  5. Miss Lou

    July 8, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    The slideshow was not working for me (meant to note that), though just moved to a different browser and it appears to be functioning fine 🙂

    Congratulations!

     
    • FlaHam

      July 9, 2014 at 9:43 am

      Miss Lou, Smiling, I still don’t know why blog was nominated, but I am proud of the award. Thank you for making the effort to chase it down. Take care, Bill

       
      • Miss Lou

        July 9, 2014 at 11:43 am

        I think you were nominated because what you share here is very values and embraced by so many in the community 🙂

        It is very well deserved, and I regret not being able to get in here more often to spend time reading through your wonderful posts!

        I always leave with a smile & usually pondering some fine piece of wisdom you have imparted!

        Thank you 🙂

        ML
        x

         
        • FlaHam

          July 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

          Miss Lou, If you take away a smile and some tiny bit of information you find useful then my blog is serving the purpose I wanted it to when I created it. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. They go a long long way. Take care, Bill

           
  6. Erica Sanderson

    July 9, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Hi Bill, I’m an editor for HealthCentral.com looking for COPD bloggers. I came across your wonderful blog and would love to talk with you about writing for our site. If you’re interested, please email me at esanderson@remedyhealthmedia.com. I hope to hear from you soon!

     
    • FlaHam

      July 9, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      Erica, Thank you for your kind offer, I am quite surprised and flattered with your offer. I would be happy to have a conversation with you regarding the potential of writing for your site. My direct email is _dealingwithcopd@aol.com_ (mailto:dealingwithcopd@aol.com) . Take care, Bill

       
  7. benzeknees

    July 9, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Ham, I agree with you – forgiveness is an action & a state of mind. You have to CHOOSE to forgive & until you do choose it, you are as helplessly locked in an unhealthy state of mind as the person who did you wrong. You are only hurting yourself when you can’t forgive.
    Having said that, I have forgiven a lot of hurts over the years, but I don’t forget. This is part of my struggle. I may forgive someone for doing something to me, but if they do it again, I remember all too clearly where I have felt this feeling before. I feel doubly hurt because I forgave them once (usually with their assurance they would never do it again). In some ways this may be a bit on the healthy side, so you don’t allow someone to abuse you over & over.

     
    • FlaHam

      July 9, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Benze, I would love to be able to bob my head up and down in total agreement. But I can’t. I have turned the other cheek, I have forgave and forgotten, but sometimes it takes an action of the part of the offending person to completely forgive. That action could be a simple as a gesture, an eye to eye look, a word, without a beginning there can’t be an end. As you can see I am still working on it myself. So it is a work in progress, but it is my intention to be as baggage free as I can the closer I get. I think this is an outstanding goal for myself. Take care, Bill

       
  8. sheridegrom - From the literary and legislative trenches.

    July 13, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    “Baggage free.” That is indeed a brilliant thought and of the highest order to achieve.

     
    • FlaHam

      July 14, 2014 at 6:58 am

      Sheri, Thank you for your support and liking my “baggage free” term. I truly believe that one should use opportunities to off load what can be. No sense carrying it to the end. The point you made about it be of the highest order to achieve is spot on. If it were easy a whole industry would be made extinct. Please take care, Bill

       
      • sheridegrom - From the literary and legislative trenches.

        July 15, 2014 at 8:57 pm

        Bill – You’ve given me the idea for a blog. Dragging baggage from coast to coast and around the world with my work became an elaborate art form for me. However, I never wanted to trade my bag for an unknown bag. At least I know what’s in my bag.

         
      • sheridegrom - From the literary and legislative trenches.

        July 15, 2014 at 8:57 pm

        Bill – You’ve given me the idea for a blog. Dragging baggage from coast to coast and around the world with my work became an elaborate art form for me. However, I never wanted to trade my bag for an unknown bag. At least I know what’s in my bag.

         
        • FlaHam

          July 15, 2014 at 10:25 pm

          Sheri, My wife was the traveler for latter part of her career, (before becoming a teacher), she had 2 complete sets of luggage, LOL it was my job to ensure that the cloths were dry cleaned between trips. LOL LOL. But I never packed for her, because I pack like a guy. But as we know there is more than one type of baggage, and I am doing the best I can to rid myself of that extra stuff. So far so good, but some stuff just wants to hang on. Take care, Bill

           
  9. huntmode

    July 24, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Late to comment, this is another good one, Bill. I cannot recall if it was mentioned, but forgiveness actually helps your health. That baggage of grudges and anger we drag around with us attracts more of the same until it physically manifests in some illness in the body. It is easy to confuse that forgiveness is the for the one who caused the injury. No, it is for the one who suffered the perceived injury. A quick funny story: I was driving with my Mom and very angry with my boss. She said something softly about forgiveness and maybe praying that he receive something good, something he wanted. I was incredulous. “What?! I don’t want him to be happy, Mom!” She glanced over at me, meeting my eyes. “Well, no one said you have to mean it….” Grin.

     
    • FlaHam

      July 25, 2014 at 7:34 am

      Hunt, I do not believe I specifically addressed that, and I should have. I may have made an off hand comment but without looking I don’t believe I did, you are making a great point. The act of forgiving and getting that baggage off your shoulders does in fact have a great impact on your health. I have read countless stories over time how the good nature of a person has helped the prevail when ill, and I can’t help but think that my overall good attitude has prolonged my life at a better quality of life as much as the doctors care I have received. Hunt, I love that story, I may have to figure out a way to steal that punch line for a post. Take care, Love Bill

       
      • huntmode

        July 25, 2014 at 4:24 pm

        Laughter, steal away, Bill. I thought about this after I had posted my comment – I think we confuse forgiveness with forgetting. The act of forgiveness is not an act of forgetting. You remember, but you remember without the sting or poison affecting you. That is the difference.

         
        • FlaHam

          July 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm

          Hunt, I agree totally with your assessment. And I realize there in lies my problem sometimes I can’t remember without the sting. That is what I am having difficulty doing with particular instances, particular actions, I want to forget the sting, the poison, the pain, so I can forgive, but for some things I haven’t got there yet. Take care, Bill

           
          • huntmode

            July 25, 2014 at 5:02 pm

            See, you want to forget to forgive. Doesn’t work that way. You don’t forget, Bill. But once you are able to forgive, the memory loses its self-driven power to poison. There’s a strategy I use to work on forgiveness – I look to see where I benefited – this can take some time, admittedly. God always turns what was meant to harm you to something good, so I look to see the benefit.

             
            • huntmode

              July 25, 2014 at 10:10 pm

              Hey, Bill, you got me to thinking, so I did a post referencing yours:

              http://chasingrabbitholes.com/2014/07/25/the-act-of-forgiveness-does-not-equal-forgetting/

               
              • FlaHam

                July 26, 2014 at 9:20 am

                Hunt, :>} have a great day. Bill

                 
            • FlaHam

              July 26, 2014 at 12:02 am

              Hunt, I see you truly want me to change my process. Normally I would say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I would be mistaken because this old dog has learned. And continues to learn. I freely admit this is the problem. I want to forget 1st, I want the pain to go away 1st, I want the hurt to go away 1st. I want the anger to go away 1st. Once that happens I know I can forgive. That’s what I want, that’s what I need. I understand the process as you define it, which BTW coincides which the dialog I had with Doc Head earlier in the week. I am trying to move in that direction, maybe by the end of retirement I will have achieved a new working model for dealing with forgiving. I haven’t given up hope I will still keep prodding along. Smiling, I know you will be pulling for me to be successful in this action. Take care, Bill

               
              • huntmode

                July 26, 2014 at 12:29 am

                Laughter, ah, Bill, you’re looking for the forgiveness pill. Wouldn’t that be great?!

                 
                • FlaHam

                  July 26, 2014 at 6:55 am

                  Hunt, Pill, shot, IV, granola bar, what ever the hell would work. LOL. I am still doing my best. Bill xox

                   
                  • huntmode

                    July 26, 2014 at 3:00 pm

                    Bill, LOL – there was never any doubt about your doing and giving your best, Bill. As we used to say, “I’d take that to the bank!”

                     
    • FlaHam

      July 26, 2014 at 9:19 am

      Hunt, thanks for the ping, I am going to have to learn how to do that, I have sense read your post, and commented. This has been one of our best comment conversations. Take care, Bill

       

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